Horror Movies For Dummies

Resurrection

Its a relatively New Year and its been a long time since i posted something here....so its time for the phoenix [That's Me] to resurrect....i'm sure nobody cares......i have only 2 followers.......My condolences to both supriya and rashmi.......but i have a lot of time now and i've fallen ill........Cant go to movies or take my bike out.......So i decided to write a guide on How To Make A Horror Movie.....Don't ask me why....but being a big fan of horror movies myself and having seen a lot of them , so i'd like to share the secret of making one.....Here we go.....

The Guide To The Ultimate Horror Movie

What You Don't Need :

1. A story [trust me....u don't need it]
2. A reason to make this movie
3. Logical thinking
4. Hopes of winning an Oscar 4 this movie
5. Or the term "Acclaimed Director" on ur next movie
6. Nausea
7. Fear of the "Ghost" from ur movie attacking u in the night

Once u r sure u don't have any of that , u can proceed to the next step

What You Need :

1. A Cast which has a lot of experience in adult movies
2. A very low budget
3. A producer who trusts u [God Bless Him]
4. A cameraman [suffering from epilepsia] or [experience in hindi soap operas]
5. Makeup guy [experience as cook who worked with lot of sauces and dough]
6. A Ghost/Psychopath/Serial Killer [Obviously]
7. Lady in white saree[if its indian]
8. A Lot Of Korean and Japanese Horror DVDs [with subtitles]
9. An audience who thinks this movie will scare the shit outta them
10. Spooky music ripped from other horror movies
11. A college or hospital or a house/cottage which is supposed to be haunted
12. Squeaky doors and windows
13. A weapon if its a serial killer
14. A Sequel [Ppl are always excited to know what happens next]
15. A Prequel [Even Better....Will tell how it all started]
16. A title that nobody understands even after watching the movie[Don't make it obvious]

Speaking Abt The Cast :

Even though this movie may not involve a story , u will need a wide variety of characters and thus establishing the story indirectly . The Casting director is the most crucial in a low budget horror movie......Coz he knows who wud agree for the least pay given the fact he doesnt have any other offers........like James cameron who picked his hero for avatar who was living in a car and later went on to make 3000 crores and thanks to him the hero now lives in a shack :)

This is a general casting technique and the same characters cud be used in different films and ppl wudn't notice it [or so u think ]

Cast :

1. The Hero : who is a very Serious guy with rugged looks and a dark past.......He is one of the 2 ppl who survives in the end .......[talking abt survival , i dont wanna say anything abt the audience]

2. The Heroine : who isn't that good looking and every cheerleader hates her [for reasons known only to god] and surprisingly The HUNK[explained next] has the hots for her even though the hottest girl in college is all over him and she is the other person who survives in the end probably bcoz she found a way to kill the ghost/serial killer

3. The Hunk : who has girls falling all over him with a smug look on his face.......makes a lot of stupid jokes and the most daring [than the hero] in the group and thats why he gets to die first......probably when he is in a party or when he is having sex [ these serial killers hate parties or sex and i'm guessing they r not social animals]

4. The HOT girl : very rude to everyone ; who exposes at every given chance and she is and must be a cheerleader and she also happens to be on the poster of the movie where she is seen with blood oozing down her naked body [this is done so that the audience gets to know that there is a lot of nudity in the movie and thus increasing opening day collections] and she usually dies in a shower scene [yummy]

5. The Nerdy Guy : who knows a lot abt computers and he is the whiz kid who can even break into the FBI network and still remain unnoticed.......He is the one who tells everyone that going to the haunted place is a very dangerous idea......but obviously no one listens to him and they all end up with their necks slashed or something like that......He also has a secret crush on the Heroine [just for a little twist]

6. The Scary Guy.......NO.....he is not the ghost or the serial killer.......He just walks arnd the campus or he cud be the janitor and makes everyone think that he is the ghost......Probably an old guy with scar marks all over his face to add to the intensity and he always seems to know a awful lot abt this ghost and he even knows how to destroy it.......But he never does that and just passes on this info to the heroine [which he cud have done after the first killing itself but there is no fun in that .

7. The Atheist Guy : who believes in God but he doesn't believe in ghosts and stuff like that.......He cud be the principal or the police chief or the father of the girl who is possessed......He actually sees his girl floating in the air but he calls the psychiatrist to check if everything's ok .......The movie is never complete without this guy......Coz if he believes in ghosts in the very beginning of the movie.....the girl wud be saved before the intermission........so keep him that way till the very end

8. A Bunch of Bakras (scapegoats) :U can use the killing scenes of these bakras who cud be cops,kids or someone as fillers b/w scenes and it reminds the audience that the killer still exists [which they wud have forgotten after seeing a yummy hot shower scene].......this way it prevents them from sleeping for the next 10 minutes.......These kids always find the serial killer more easily than the cops

9. The FlashBack Ppl : These guys are a happy bunch coz its a flashback scene and the ghost never existed during that time.......[Show a very happy close-knit family if its indian] All of them die except one and this guy is The Scary Guy and thats why he knows so much abt the ghost......the ghost could be portrayed as this guy's daughter or some relationship adding yet another twist .......They r either responsible for the ghost's death or just dies along with it........[who cares]

10. The Ghost : Has a limited no of scenes in the movie...[coz that way u can save on computer graphics budget].....it can't speak.......just makes wierd noises......saves a lot of work for the guy who writes dialogues......and never ever wash its costume [saves laundry charges and adds intensity ......small budget !!! remember ?? ] Definitely has a past.......but don't reveal the entire past coz u can't make a prequel after that.......Dies in the end but actually comes back during the sequel.......

11. The Serial Killer : He happens to love his mother a lot [ and this is done just to show he is a sensitive guy who has emotions just like us and so that some of the would-be serial killers in the audience can connect to him ] .This guy just loves costumes and can't live without one ........always make a unique one.....and then later u can use this costume as a marketing tool......He probably had a very abusive father or someone......thats why he turned out to be like this.......He uses a particular weapon to slash ppl arnd and make it unique.........chainsaws and knives are too old-fashioned......and dont wash his costume too .......for reasons same as the previous one.......He likes to kill hot girls and doesn't go to church.......blah blah blah.......the more attributes u add to his character, the more unique

12. The Revealers : No , they don't reveal the plot [ which doesn't exist by the way ]....they just reveal themselves and they have to be girls unless u r making this movie for a different set of audience........they should know swimming and have a high pitched voice.......the reason behind this is that they r probably killed by the killer when they r in the pool naked or when they r making out with The Hunk and once they see the killer......they should scream their brains out.......If they don't exist , there is little chance that ur movie is gonna make big bucks at the box office......The more , the better....

There u go filmmakers......Thats all the cast u need to scare ppl.......But these Ppl are needed only on the screen......But what abt those who controls things behind the screen.......Thats whats coming up.......
To Be Continued ......... Next Blog [Chapter]==> Who The Hell Is Doing That ???